With my PhD submission deadline looming in March, I have now officially entered “looking for a postdoc” mode. If you’re an academic working in the areas of quantum computing, quantum information or quantum optics, and just happen to be in need of a fresh young PhD graduate, send your applications to email@example.com (regrettably the application process is highly competitive, meaning that unfortunately some outstanding applicants may be turned down). Need a resume? No problem, I’ve got one – click here. Need a banana peel? No worries – click here.
Reasons to apply
So why in your right mind would you want me as a postdoc?
- I’m cheap. And I mean third-world cheap. Are you thinking of outsourcing your quantum physics research to sub-saharan Africa? Don’t bother. I can compete. Just give me a bed, a computer, some food and a name, and I’ll happily work under slave-like conditions.
- I’ll go anywhere. America, Europe, Turkey, Asia, Antarctica, Iran – you name it. Hell, I’ll even go the bible-belt.
How can you improve the chances of your application?
So I’ve convinced you, huh? I sound like just the type of junior postdoc you’ve been waiting for? Here are some tips on how to improve the prospects of your application.
- Tell me how far it is to the nearest mountains, glaciers and rock-walls – I love climbing. The closer you are to the Alps, the Rockies, the Pyranees, the Himalayas, the Andes or the Hindu Kush, the better your chances.
- Tell me what the gender breakdown of you research group is. If the tally doesn’t include any females whatsoever, don’t bother applying.
- Offer me lots and lots of money. Despite my previous statement regarding my cost-effectiveness, I have to confess that a large tax-free income with numerous perks and benefits can be an influencing factor in the decision making process of the application panel.
How to apply
Just send a brief e-mail indicating why I should work for you, what you want me to do, and how far it is to the nearest mountains. Please include a brief resume (no more than two pages) and a list of political affiliations. The best applicants, as chosen by the panel, will then be invited for a telephone interview. Communists and Republicans need not apply.